I think it’s my fault

This is a big oops, i think.  Let’s see if I can tell a short version of this story.

Started dating my boyfriend, moved in after 8 months and then 1 year after we started dating, he had a big upset at work.  Basically, he did not get the job he expected to get, tried to find something similar with no luck.  Took a local position that was very different, mostly out of desperation and it let him stay in the area where we preferred to live.

esteem-supportOverall, this event was a big blow to his ego, and while he spent the second year of our relationship hurt, angry, and concerned about his future, I was as supportive as a new girlfriend can be.  He asked if I was willing to move with him for a new job, I responded “yes, that is a possibility, here is where my company has offices.”  But throughout this process I was not impressed with how he handled everything.  I felt like that year, and the one following while he was overly stressed adjusting to the new local job, I had to carry the relationship.

Now, the work situation has stabilized, but I just realized the severity of the damage to our relationship, and it’s probably my fault.  For many male/female relationships to work, the man has to be needed for something.  He is very traditional, and see’s himself as a “breadwinner” type.  That is what I want the least from a relationship, and it’s been a struggle throughout our time together.  So the thing he wants to be valued for, and he tries the most to provide, is not what I want.  And I did not “inflate” his ego enough to keep him confident; lack of confidence leads to lack of attractiveness, which leads to a lack of everything else.  Big oops, and I get that now.  I imagine many sessions of therapy is needed to correct this issue, and he is not open to that approach.  I have been trying for two years to figure out how to appreciate him, seen two different therapists with no luck.  You know what gave me the clue?

This video talking about how women and men score points in their relationships differently.  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KJwTv4Fti8s

Given the increased families with working moms, this is probably a common issue, and I imagine this is a common occurrence in modern relationships.  Any advice?

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