How to Compromise?

I’m at a point where it’s hard to take care of 80% of the relationship and be willing to compromise 50% of the time.

I know a good relationship will not require fairness.  Life is not fair, and relationships cannot be equal.  How do we get what we require with so much compromise?  I guess I just chose the wrong person?  Did I falsely see what I wanted to see, or was he accidentally misleading?  He’s a good person, and needs this relationship.  How to make the right decision now?

I try to do the right thing for him, but it kills me and I end up angry.  He wants concrete things he can do that make it fair for me, but it takes a year to work on one thing at a time, and getting that one thing does not fix the relationship.  I wish I knew the secret for success and fulfillment in relationships.  I guess that is really what I’m missing.  Some sort of fulfillment and value for this compromise.

Is there one thing that I can hang onto to make it worthwhile?  I don’t want kids, so family is not it.  So many of my friends feel like they are not getting enough, but they have the one thing that is good in their relationship that makes it worthwhile.

We both want it to work.

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Loving Yourself

You’re not a doormat, you’re a doorprize ~Marge Simpson

Also a book by Dr. Jay Grady 2940011488290_p0_v1_s260x420

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Comfort or Romance

This may not be true for everyone, but it’s been true for me so far. The more comfortable I get with a partner, the less attracted I am to that person. Yes there is a chance I could find a guy who is extremely romantic even after getting comfortable, but I’m not going to except that characteristic given the rarity. This happens a lot for people. Ester Pearl wrote a helpful book called Mating In Captivity, documenting the various couples with these types of issues, and the individual recommendations she provided to help them spice up their romantic life. Check out the condensed version in her TED Talk online. I haven’t determined if I’m okay with a long term relationship lacking romantic passion. If I ever start a new relationship, I will probably avoid living together (against my frugal nature). Long distance would be nice, and maybe I could consider being polyamorous. For now, I’ll appreciate the other benefits of this relationship and see if we can make it work.

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Unconditional Love

So far does not exist for me, except for pets.  I have been wondering how to love people in the same way.

This post talking about the lessons learned after 30 years of marriage has a similar message in the end, but the whole post is a valuable perspective of making a relationship work, and what is the true meaning of love.

 

people_are_good_22I saw this post a little while back on the Kindess Blog.

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Some Inspiration…

These five stories of couples who saved their relationships gives some great advice on what can make it work.  For me, maybe it’s the idea that we should continue to grow together, but that sounds like just an intro to something bigger…  now to figure that out.

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I think it’s my fault

This is a big oops, i think.  Let’s see if I can tell a short version of this story.

Started dating my boyfriend, moved in after 8 months and then 1 year after we started dating, he had a big upset at work.  Basically, he did not get the job he expected to get, tried to find something similar with no luck.  Took a local position that was very different, mostly out of desperation and it let him stay in the area where we preferred to live.

esteem-supportOverall, this event was a big blow to his ego, and while he spent the second year of our relationship hurt, angry, and concerned about his future, I was as supportive as a new girlfriend can be.  He asked if I was willing to move with him for a new job, I responded “yes, that is a possibility, here is where my company has offices.”  But throughout this process I was not impressed with how he handled everything.  I felt like that year, and the one following while he was overly stressed adjusting to the new local job, I had to carry the relationship.

Now, the work situation has stabilized, but I just realized the severity of the damage to our relationship, and it’s probably my fault.  For many male/female relationships to work, the man has to be needed for something.  He is very traditional, and see’s himself as a “breadwinner” type.  That is what I want the least from a relationship, and it’s been a struggle throughout our time together.  So the thing he wants to be valued for, and he tries the most to provide, is not what I want.  And I did not “inflate” his ego enough to keep him confident; lack of confidence leads to lack of attractiveness, which leads to a lack of everything else.  Big oops, and I get that now.  I imagine many sessions of therapy is needed to correct this issue, and he is not open to that approach.  I have been trying for two years to figure out how to appreciate him, seen two different therapists with no luck.  You know what gave me the clue?

This video talking about how women and men score points in their relationships differently.  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KJwTv4Fti8s

Given the increased families with working moms, this is probably a common issue, and I imagine this is a common occurrence in modern relationships.  Any advice?

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the Secret to a Succesful Relationship?

man-reading-book-woman-relaxing-his-lap-10613533

… stay with a man long enough that he will subconsciously adopt your ideas as his own, and praise him when he suggests the idea as a completely new thought on the situation.

One on hand, this feels completely wrong and degrading, but it’s happened twice to me now that I think it might be a real tactic that successful relationships embrace.  So we simple present an idea in conversation, let them shoot it down and then ignore it for a while, and wait until he “thinks of the idea on his own.”

I would love to know your thoughts on this idea.

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